Today a small gathering of my family celebrated Thanksgiving. I am thankful for so many things. Thankful that my grandma, who turns 85 tomorrow is here with us, thankful that some extended family could be there as well. I am thankful that we are all working and healthy, our children are all happy and healthy and enjoy each others company. I am thankful that we are blessed with a great meal and a nice place to have it.
As I left our gathering I was thinking to myself.....mostly I am thankful that Thanksgiving is over and I can check it off for another year. My anxiety, about being alone, a single parent, overextended emotionally and having to face my family...its just overwhelming. It builds up for days beforehand....the plan....I will arive with or slightly after everyone else so my mother doesnt have any opportunity to throw any below the belt punches before the other guests arrive. As soon as I arrive I will have a drink, or two to hopefully be able to relax and enjoy some of the time we have together. With the first opportunity to clear the table I will be on my feet to help and avoid any opportunity for inquiring minds...
I have a million things to be thankful for yet when I am sitting in a room full of family I still feel so alone. Like I have a big hole freshly carved through my heart. My cousin and her lovely husband and children are there. My brother with his wife and kids......who I adore, also are there....my mom, grandma and a few aunts.....and yet I am painfully aware of how alone I feel. I am feeling impotent, unable to find my way out of this place in my head that Is so painful.
Previous PostsThanksgiving, posted November 18th, 2012, 2 comments
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